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Need diet advice? I’ve tried them all

It’s no secret I enjoy food. I’ve professed my love for all things edible many times in this column, but my eating habits have gotten out of hand lately, and to avoid gaining back the 35 pounds I lost, I’ve been working on structuring my diet. Again.
They say weight loss is more successful on a “buddy system,” so my friend Jessica and I started this weight-loss journey together two years ago, and after a series of fad diets, we’ve discovered the key is truly eating healthy, balanced meals, daily exercise, and splurging only once in awhile.
How boring, right?
But in our trek to find a healthy lifestyle, we’ve encountered some wild eating plans, like the “The Military Diet,” “The Cabbage Soup Diet,” and “The Lemonade Diet.”
I even found “The Amputation Diet,” which gives several options to lose weight fast, such as removing a wart, getting a haircut, amputating your arm (a good way to lose 10 to 25 pounds in one day), or donating a kidney, which can help you lose about three pounds.
Seems reasonable, but the website warns that amputation is a very permanent solution.
And as much as I’d love to donate a kidney, Jessica and I decided to try both the military and cabbage soup diets.
Our thought was that the rigid structure of the fad diets would teach us discipline in our eating habits, and after eating bowls of cabbage soup and an abnormal amount of canned tuna (military diet), I found that I can indeed control my portions.
I also found that I started to crave vegetables and fruit instead of potato chips and cookies, and felt good about the changes I was making in my lifestyle.
Well, somehow in the summer of beer, burgers, hot dogs covered in onions, relish, mustard and ketchup, and potato salad, I’ve lost that discipline to control my portions and eat my vegetables, and I can’t look at a grapefruit without gagging.
And Jessica is in the same boat, so on Sunday, we went grocery shopping for the cabbage soup diet to acquire that discipline once again.
This crash diet is a “seven-day” cleanse of eating bowls of cabbage soup daily among other odd rules, such as eating only bananas and milk on the fourth day, beef and tomatoes the next day and brown rice and fruit juices on the final day.
I don’t know where they come up with this baloney but I thought eating more vegetables and fruit for a week couldn’t hurt.
Our shopping cart was filled with cabbage, of course, carrots, onions, green peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers, bananas, apples, golden pears, mangos, beef and brown rice.
I was drooling as we passed the bakery on our way to check out, but remembered my end goal.
Well, I can tell you on the first day I already failed. When I was supposed to eat fruit and cabbage soup all day, I decided it would be great to treat myself to homemade chocolate chip cookies at work.
And then my co-worker Lori was talking about going to Subway for lunch, and I started salivating thinking about turkey, ham, and American cheese on freshly baked bread, covered in tomatoes, spinach, mayo and mustard.
And why not accompany it with a bag of garden salsa SunChips and a refreshing lemonade?
I thought I could get back on track at supper time, but when I was filling up with gas at Cenex, the aroma of the five-meat pan pizza from the Hot Stuff deli wafted beneath the awnings and I ran into the store to grab their last personal pan pizza before I talked myself out of it.
I’m terrible, and told myself to go for a bike ride after the council meeting to at least cancel out some of my choices.
Well, it was dark, and starting to get cool, and my couch was just so comfortable.
I only have 10 more pounds to lose so maybe I should take the easy way out and cut off my arm. That seems a lot easier than eating broccoli.